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[22 Dec 2006|03:09pm]

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If myspace was real life [13 Jul 2006|11:41am]

-You'd have a friend named Tom creepily following you around giving you bad news constantly.

-At nights when you are asleep you would get people running in your room that you don't know saying. "It's 4 a.m., I can't sleep, someone talk to me."

-Bands would go to your house and ask you to give them a listen because they see that you like a band they sound nothing like.

-Anytime you walk into someones house they have the same video or song playing all the time, non-stop for three months straight.

-You would look your very best at all times.

-Some people would be holding their right arm out straight in front of them at all times.

-There would be a lot of youthful looking 99 year olds.

-Bands with 3 song demos could book stadium tours.

-Your driver's license would have hearts around your name or quote from an emo song.

-Blogs would be required reading and any random thought in your head would be shared with everyone.

-People would inexplicably be stuck in their homes for hours unable communicate with the out side world because some asshole put up a large white wall in front of every door and window with a note attached saying "Sorry but an unexpected error has occurred".

-Tila Tequila would know everyone in the whole world.

-Most guys wouldn't own shirts and most girls would not own pants.

-Girls would always be posing, cheeks sucked in and lips puckered two feet off their face.

-Your attraction to someone would be based on their favorite clothing label, their favorite band, and a survey.

-All females would be bi and all males would drive import muscle cars.

-The phrases "Yo," "your hawt," or "hit me back some time" would attract the opposite sex.

-It would be perfectly acceptable to blurt out any random filthy perverse sexual thought at any random woman/man you thought was "hawt" as a first greeting.

-Everyone would make $100,000 a year or higher.

-There would be a lot of underage strippers in the world

-It wouldn't be odd to have Brad Pitt in your circle of friends.

-Hello Kitty would be a real person.

-Conversations would sound like this "How are you?" Sent. "Good, how are you?" Replied.

-You would be close personal friends with Random inanimate objects- like toilet paper, and pickles

-During a long conversation you'd have to say "Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: all right, well call me later."

-When it was time for bed you would say you're "Undergoing Maintenance."

-You would have to paint your walls using Thomas MySpace Editor codes in your apartment.

-Stewie from Family Guy would be your best friend.

-People would run up to you, tell you a random message, and you'd have 17 minutes and 13 seconds to pass it along before a ghost came to your house and raped your dog.

-You would have very good-looking people constantly saying, "I look so ugly here"...

-You would have teenagers suddenly exploding in numbers in your home as they continually brought in friends they don't know just to have 30,000 of them there...

-You would have tons of EXTREMELY popular people in your home ignoring you when you talk to them because you are just someone on their list

-Smiling advertisers would walk up to you on the street yelling at the top of their lungs "HELLLOOOO!!", "You make me blush!", "Bite Me!", or "WHAAAAT?" every time you looked at them
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A funny for you................. [12 Jul 2006|02:08pm]

[ mood | full ]

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The Spoon [19 Jun 2006|02:00am]

[ mood | amused ]

The Spoon

A timeless lesson on how Consultants can make a difference for an

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that
the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils,
I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and
saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came
back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to
revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded
that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop
frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are
better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back
to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it
with his spare.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an
extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the
waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging
from their flies.

So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell
me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we could save time in
the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our "you know what", we can
pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,
shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

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Your Name in Russian - Stolen from kyboshia [16 Jun 2006|12:59am]

[ mood | amused ]

Your Name in Russian
This is funny... go to the link below to try it out. Ignore all the crazy Russian on the site, just type your name in the text box and click to see what your name looks like in Russian...very cool! http://www.callme.nm.ru/

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Your Name in Russian [16 Jun 2006|12:56am]

[ mood | amused ]

Your Name in Russian
This is funny... go to the link below to try it out. Ignore all the crazy Russian on the site, just type your name in the text box and click to see what your name looks like in Russian...very cool! http://www.callme.nm.ru/

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I think you're the father of one of my kids. [14 Jun 2006|12:57am]

[ mood | content ]


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think your the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my ass???" She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

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[31 May 2006|03:26pm]

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The gender of non-living things................ [31 May 2006|12:40am]

[ mood | awake ]

You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed! , but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

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[06 May 2006|02:24pm]

Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
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Tootone - this is hilarious [21 Apr 2006|01:09pm]

[ mood | determined ]


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A happy ending, stolen from jovi_diva [18 Apr 2006|01:35am]

[ mood | contemplative ]

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Innovative Scientific Discovery [10 Apr 2006|09:00pm]

[ mood | calm ]

A British company is developing computer chips that play music from women's breast implants. This is a major breakthrough, as women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

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[30 Mar 2006|11:33am]


Pass the potato!

>It's just an experiment of mine to see how fast this potato can fly in one week's time.
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Fun quiz, the results are astonishing [30 Mar 2006|01:16am]

[ mood | calm ]


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Karaoke for the deaf - friggin' hysterical! [28 Mar 2006|01:25am]

[ mood | blah ]


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[27 Mar 2006|09:14pm]

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.

The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?"

The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike.

She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"

The second nerd nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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Lawyer Joke [27 Mar 2006|09:19am]

[ mood | gloomy ]


Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind." But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning redhead, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time. So,...do you think we should, ...well,...you know,...screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?" asked the other

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Unknown odd facts [23 Mar 2006|01:12am]

[ mood | tired ]

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[22 Mar 2006|03:18pm]

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